


emotions (to fill your body with)

by RIbbon



Category: Alphas
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-29
Updated: 2012-10-29
Packaged: 2017-11-17 08:12:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/549449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RIbbon/pseuds/RIbbon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nina was telling the truth when she said she no longer felt like she belonged with Rosen and her team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	emotions (to fill your body with)

_The hardest thing about the whole kissing disaster wasn't that Rachel didn't want to speak to her anymore. It was that Nina was pretty sure she wouldn't talk to herself if she was in Rachel's space, and that, that was a scary thought._

Today is another 'Rosen is obsessed with Stanton Parrish' day.

Stanton Parrish is the only one Rosen seems to care about these days, and the team follows his orders. That's it.

So here she is, in the middle of this mess she tried so hard to escape, but it's not like she can ask for help (she received too much already), ask for friendship (she doesn't deserve it), or even ask for love (he's moved on and she's forgotten).

_The only one who treats her exactly the same is Bill, but then again, he was always suspicious of her._

Her days in the hospital, she tries not to remember. It was spent in darkness. 

She knew why the darkness was there, she's not stupid. They were afraid, afraid of her and what she might do to them (but not what she might do to herself, she doesn't believe for one second that they cared about that).

Bill and Gary visited. Gary asked her if she was done being a criminal (was she ?) and told her about his man cave and how happy he was there.

She smiled.

Then Gary said 'I have to go now, come on Bill, we have to go. Bye Nina,' and they were gone.

She didn't have a lot to say to Rosen when he dropped by, even if he was the only one who allowed her to see a little light. She couldn't help but think it was all a lie.

_In retrospect, she can see how pathetic and hysterical she acted. Well, it's never too late to have regrets._

They're all under the impression that she actually wanted to hurt them, and she can't blame them. She did want to hurt them.

She wonders if they care about the reasons why, but she's tired of playing the victim. She understands now that the best thing to do right now is to be invisible, to do what they ask her to do and keep out of trouble.

She sees that even Rachel has someone new in her life now. The pretty boy is named John and he looks at her friend (ex friend, _ex_ , she can't forget about that) like he's a puppy in love.

She doesn't want to know how Cameron's girlfriend looks at him or how he looks at her. It's fucking depressing and she's tired of obsessing about her mistakes. She decides she needs someone new herself (even if it's probably not a good idea), and if she stares a little bit too long at Cameron or Rachel, well, that's her problem.

_Rosen doesn't know but after her attempted suicide, she goes to see another therapist. Her name is Mary and she's sweet. Nina doesn't push her, but instead tells her little things. Of course, being her, those little things are already big enough._

Mary asks her what she has been doing lately and Nina almost tells her : "I went to a town full of people who seem to be like me but aren't, not really. In the end, of course, me and the team had to go. It's hard to stay in a place full of people who want to kill you."

Instead, she tells her about the day she went to visit an art gallery and how much she enjoyed the paintings she saw.

She doesn't tell her about how hard it was not to steal them or the fact that she felt lonely, watching those beautiful pictures all by herself.

She says, instead : "I'm thinking about drawing a lot these days. I just want to draw."

_Third session and Nina admits the real reason why she's seeing Mary. She talks about wanting to jump out of a building and how someone ended up saving her at the last minute. She talks about her nightmare, how she sees her broken body on the pavement and how people stare at her corpse in horror._

_Mary asks her : "Do your resent the fact that someone saved you ?" and Nina doesn't know how to answer, so she says nothing. It's hard to breath after that._

She goes to the park and stays there for a while. She takes a notebook with her and fills it with all sorts of drawings. They're weird, they're not artistic, but Nina likes them and Mary told her it was good to write or draw whenever she feels like she needs to talk to someone but can't.

At first, the idea seemed ridiculous but now she likes it.

After that, she comes back to the office and they're all gathered in Rosen's office.

As soon as they see her, they fall silent. 'What ?' she asks.

Gary is the one who replies 'There's a new Alpha and she can make people tell the truth. Doctor Rosen says we have to talk to her and bring her in because she's dangerous.'

Nina wants to laugh.

'Dangerous, uh,' she says instead. She thinks about Skylar, the rebel who wants to be free, and she thinks about what it would be like to be free.

She tried that. It didn't work. But still, she can't stay. She can't do this anymore. Enough is enough.

She's waiting for the elevator to come when a hand falls on her shoulder and she turns around, already bracing herself for another of Rosen's speech. It's not him. She's surprised to see it's Rachel.

Rachel gives her a look of pure contempt.

'If you don't want to help, if you think you can just go and leave the office whenever you want, you might as well leave the team. It's not like you're going to be missed.'

Deep breath, Nina thinks.

_Don't cry now. You deserve it. You deserve to hear that._

'You're right', she replies. 'I won't be missed.'

The elevator comes and she leaves, not even taking a last look at Rachel or at the office. Nobody ever said she wasn't a bit of a drama queen.

_'I feel like people come to see me only when they need me,' she tells Mary. 'I guess most people are like that.' 'Yeah,' Mary answers after a second or two. 'Most people are, but not all of them. You'd be surprised, I think.' 'Nothing surprises me anymore,' she tells her. It's cliché, but it's true._

She likes loud places, and it's not because she's a party girl (okay, maybe she is) but because she likes the noise.

It's harder to want to push when bodies are moving too fast. Still, she pushed alright, she pushed too hard. But she didn't ask for them to come.

She couldn't even stop herself. It was hard enough to stop pushing random people, but to resist pushing Rachel ? Or Cameron ?

The power it gave her was just too much. It made her feel like for once in her life, she was in control. How ironic that the opposite happened, and she wasn't even aware of it. She couldn't know, she wants to tell them, but it's too late.

It's like with Tommy, and wasn't that painful ? She couldn't know. Thinking about that makes her _so depressed_ , she plays with the idea of going back to the club and getting trashed. She stays home instead.

It's almost midnight when someone knocks at her door.

She knows who he is the second she sees him. She doesn't say anything, she waits for him to talk.

He stares at her and then smiles. 'Hello Nina.'

Fucking Stanton Parrish. She slams the door on his face.

No one else comes knocking on her door and she spends the rest of the night trying to calm down, to relax, but it's impossible.

_He comes back the next morning, with croissants, and says 'Come walk with me.'_

_She sighs but accepts his proposition._

_He takes her to the same park she went to draw and she wonders if he knows she likes it there because he had someone follow her._

_'Here, he says,' and they sit on a bench, watching a mother play with her child. Parrish is quiet, and for a while there's just silence between them._

_Curiously, it calms her. She's not afraid of him, he's clearly not afraid of her. It's fine._

_'What now ?' she asks him after a while. She knows better than to hope he doesn't want something from her._

_'Now, you do what you want, Nina. I don't need you on my side. In fact, I think your presence might cause quite a stir... but I like you. If you want, you and I can talk. Or sit here, on this bench. What do you think ?'_

Rosen calls her and asks her to come to the office. It's an emergency, he says. A matter of life and death.

She rolls her eyes. It's always a matter of life and death with him.

In the end, she feels vindicated enough to know that they need her so she comes.

They're all shouting at each other when she shows up and she's amused but also a bit curious.

'What happened ?' she asked.

'What is she doing here ?' Rachel yells and she looks like she's out of her mind. To be fair, they all look like that.

'Rosen called me,' Nina replies and shrugs. She doesn't need to defend herself, not anymore.

'Yeah ? He called you ?', Rachel says. 'Tell me, would you have showed up again if he hadn't called ? No. Because that's what you do, Nina. You make people think that they matter to you and then you leave. You treat them like shit, your own friends, people who want the best for you, and you leave !'

It's like a scream at the end, and the room falls silent. Nina is shocked.

'You keep leaving me, Nina,' Rachel goes on, and it looks like she can't stop talking. 'When Rosen was gone, you left me. You left Cameron. You left everyone. You didn't care. You didn't ! And now you act like we're the ones who did something awful to you and you don't even realize that we only wanted to help you. And I'm sorry, okay ? I'm sorry you tried to kill yourself. I'm sorry I didn't come to visit you at the hospital ! I'm sorry we're not friends anymore. I miss you. I just can't trust you anymore. You were my only friend and you left me !'

Rachel finishes her speech and looks like she wants to throw up. She starts to cry and Cameron looks at Nina with a pained expression on his face before going after Rachel, who's now leaving, furious.

Nina opens her mouth to say something but closes it because... what the hell is going on ?

Doctor Rosen sighs.

'The Alpha ? The one who makes people tell the truth ? She's here. Her abilities are...well, overwhelming as you can see. We need you to push her to stop her. If you can.'

Then Nina feels it. The need to tell the truth.

'I will do it, but I won't do it for you. I'll do it for the team. That's also the last time you will ask me to push someone, especially if you think it's going to help you in your little war against Stanton Parrish. You leave me out of it, you understand ?'

It's Rosen's turn to look shocked. He nods. He looks like a little boy who's been caught with his hand in a cookie jar. Good.

'Where is she ?'

_She finds Rachel later, on the roof of the building. She's looking at the sky. Nina walks and stands next to her. She doesn't know what to say. She already said sorry. Rachel didn't want to hear that. Perhaps she apologized for the wrong thing ? Nina sighs. For a smart girl, she can be dumb sometimes._

_'I never wanted to leave you,' she whispers. 'I think... I tried to leave myself and forgot about everything and everyone else. I'm sorry, Rachel'_

_They look at each other. Rachel nods. They're past the crying and the screaming, it's just them now._

_'Okay' Rachel says. 'Okay.'_

_It's enough for now._

They're sitting on the bench, watching people, and Parrish smiles at her.

'You look different today' he says.

She looks at a couple passing by and doesn't even envy them, she feels strangely happy for them.

Still. She wants to warn them, tell them they should enjoy the moment, enjoy the emotions.

She realizes she doesn't need to warn them. They probably already know.

'I am different' she replies.


End file.
